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Talk to your spouse and decide when you are going to do the joint exercises portion together.
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We will go over all homework in-session so please bring a copy with you.
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I assign homework for several reason, (all science based reasons), but if you do not finish it, do not stress or cancel, we can and will do it in-session.
Thank You, Jason Powers, MA, LLPC​
Before Starting Your Couples Homework
Couples Homework Step 1
We Do Not Try We Train
Couples Step 1 Communication Work
Purpose of Communication Work:
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Healthy communication is how we fix marital problems, heal wounds, and re-connect mentally and physically and will be the focus of step 1.
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During step one I will also continually evaluate both spouses communication looking for any other disorders or communication problems that are unhealthy or not covered in the planned homework materials.
Basic Healthy Communication
Joint Exercise To Do
Download Basic Healthy Communication PDF:
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We will refer back to this document anytime communication is discussed in session.
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Each spouse will need their own copy.
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Read the first page, highlighting the important aspects of healthy communication.
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On page 2, follow the exercise instructions.
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For now, make sure you follow all the communication rules for this exercise, even if you feel you don't need to use it.
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The third page you will use in the daily compliment exercise.
Basic Healthy Communication PDF ---->
Report Responses
After completing the exercise:
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Both of you, separately, click on the report form link below and put your responses in the corresponding boxes.
Communication Online Report Form ---->
Fair Fighting Rules
Individual Exercise To Do
Download Fair Fighting Rules handout:
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Highlight any rules you feel either of you needs to work on.
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I recommend posting the "Fair Fighting Rules" PDF somewhere visible like on a refrigerator, a mirror or bedroom door to have as a quick reference.
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I would also read it over once a day until you feel like you "know" the rules.
Fair Fighting Rules PDF ---->
Report Responses
After completing the exercise:
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Both of you, separately, click on the report form link below and answer the questions.
Fair Fight Rules Online Report Form ---->
Couples Step 1 Intimacy Work
Purpose:
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As communication breaks down in a relationship, so does a couples trust, commitment and intimacy for each other.
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When this happens, a persons Core Emotional Needs do not get met. (more on this later), creating a cycle of angry and resentment.
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Their marriage dissatisfaction keeps increasing until they feel like roommates or worse, they would rather leave the relationship than stay married.
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The focus of this section is to "start" to re-build that intimacy.
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We will approach this work from several directions.
Purpose of Marriage
Individual Exercise To Do
Read the article "Purpose of Marriage".​​
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I use this article & the next exercise to get you thinking about your marriage and what you want to do with it, meaning its purpose.
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There is no "one way" or "one purpose" for marriage.
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Each couple decides that for themselves.
Purpose of Marriage PDF ---->
Report Responses
After completing the exercise:
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Both of you, separately, click on the form link below and answer the questions.
Purpose of Marriage Online Form ---->
Motivation & Love
Joint Exercise To Do
Download Motivation & Love PDF.
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Each spouse will need their own copy.
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Follow the exercise instructions at the top of the first page.
Motivation & Love PDF ---->
Report Responses
After completing the exercise:
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Both of you, separately, click on the form link below and put your responses in the corresponding boxes.
Motivation & Love Online Form ---->
Daily Complement
Individual Exercise To Do
Go back to page 3 of the Basic Healthy Communication.
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With your spouse, read the section on:
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"Daily Dialogue" &
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"Daily Complements"
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This is the only "required" homework that needs to be done DAILY.....
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It only takes 4 minutes or less to fill out the online form.
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The focus of this exercise is to promote:
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Open dialogue​ between spouses
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Accountability while creating new healthy behaviors
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Helps create a renewed fondness for spouse
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​
*** Do this everyday until our next session.
Report Responses
Daily Report Online Form ---->
Love Bank 5 to 1
Joint Exercise To Do
Watch this video - is less than 3 minutes
Report Responses
Love Bank Online Form ---->
Couples Homework Step 2
We Do Not Try We Train
Couples Step 2 Communication Work
Step 2 Communication Goals:
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In Step 2 we look at the 4 most common communication problems that occur in marriage that are also an indicator with a 94% accuracy for divorce.
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We also look at how to respond to those unhealthy communication styles.
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Lastly we will start to focus on how to communicate with understand.
Communication Problems Articles
Articles to Read
Download these two handouts:
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Highlight any thing you feel either of you needs to work on in your marriage.
The Four Horseman PDF ---->
Four Horseman Antidote PDF ---->
Communication Problems Video
Joint Exercise To Do
Watch a video that is 20 minutes long. It is called
- The Attack/Defend Cycle -
While watching, take notes on
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What unhealthy aspects shown in the video do you currently use in your communication.
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What healthy aspects do you need to start implementing in your marriage communication.
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This video is filled with practical wisdom that can be instantly used in your marriage to keep disagreements from becoming arguments or fights.
Report Responses
After watching the video:
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Both of you, together, click on the form link below and answer the questions.
Attack/Defend Cycle Online Form ---->
Communication Problems Worksheet
Joint Exercise To Do
Download I Feel Statements
Instructions
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There are no instructions on the PDF itself.
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Read the exercise explanation over several times.
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Once you feel like you understand how to use the "I feel statements", practice them on each other.
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Going forward, start using the I feel statements at home and in session.
I Feel Statements PDF ---->
After completing the exercise:
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Both of you, together, click on the form link below and answer the questions.
I Feel Statements Online Form ---->
Report Responses
Couples Step 2 Intimacy Work
Step 2 Intimacy Goals
In this step we look at intimacy from three perspectives:
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What is a persons love language and how to fill their tank.
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We also look at the Gratitude we have for our spouse and how it makes them feel when it is expressed.
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Having daily dialogue and giving spouse complements.
Five Love Languages Quiz
Individual Exercise To Do
Take the free Love Language quiz (link below) by Dr. Gary Chapman. After completing the quiz, it will give you five categories followed by a percentage for each one. Take the results and input them into the online form (2nd link).
Go To Love Language Quiz ---->
Report Responses
Add those results to the online form below.
Put Quiz Results In Online Form ---->
Five Love Languages Reading
Individual Exercise To Do
In the book, The 5 Love Languages,
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Read chapter 2
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If you have not received your copy of The 5 Love Languages yet, use the PDF that follows.
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Highlight any ideas on what is a love tank and how to fill your spouses love tank.
Chapter 2 PDF ---->
Report Responses
After you have finished reading chapter 2, answer the following questions in the online form that follows.
Chapter 2 Questions Online Form ---->
Bids For Connection
Joint Exercise To Do
Watch this video - is less than 3 minutes
Bids for Connection Online Form ---->
Gratitude Journal Part 1
Individual & Joint Exercise To Do
Download Gratitude Journal Part 1
The purpose of this exercise is to:​
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It opens the door to more heartfelt conversations with your spouse.
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Take your time when you are writing your gratitude statements. The words you use will be important to your spouse when you read it to them.
Gratitude Journal Part 1 PDF ---->
After both of you finish the Gratitude Journal Part 1, share your answers with each other. Then input your answers into the online form.​
Report Responses
Gratitude Journal Part 1 Online Form ---->
Couples Homework Step 3
We Do Not Try We Train
Couples Step 3 Communication Work
Communicate with Understanding
Practicing Mutual Sympathy
Mutual Sympathy Is:
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When spouses are considerate and sympathetic to each others needs.
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When meeting your spouses needs is more important than meeting your own.
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When you meet those needs even if it makes you uncomfortable.
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True mutual sympathy is based on meeting needs out of love, not because you feel obligated to.
​
The Benefits of Mutual Sympathy:
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Conversations are connecting rather than disconnecting.
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To say that another way, the exact same conversation becomes connecting, builds trust and intimacy.
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It helps both spouses meet their emotional needs
​
An example of mutual sympathy looks like this:
You have a couple where one spouse, Erin, wants the other spouse, Matt, to do a better job keeping in touch with her throughout the day.
Erin may request that Matt:
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Texts her during the day when he think of her.
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Call her on the way home from work.
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Let her know if he is going to be late.
Matt has a hard time communicating with her because:
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He works in a high pressure sales job.
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He boss does not like his sales people to use there cell phones during work hours
​
Because Matt is not meeting Erin's communication needs, it could cause tension or even arguments between them. This is where mutual sympathy should be practiced by both spouses.
Out of love, not obligation, Matt increases his contact with Erin during the day.
Out of love, not obligation, Erin understands Matt is busy at work and does not hold him to contacting her.
Because both of them are working towards meeting the other persons needs, they both are fulfilled.
Matt is fulfilled because he knows his new actions make Erin happy.
Erin is fulfilled because knowing Matt is making the choice to meet her needs she will feel more loved by him.
Validate Feelings Log
Individual Exercises To Do
Download your copy of - Validate Feelings Log - thoroughly read the instructions and fill out a log every time you hear a complaint no matter how small the complaint feels.
Validate Feelings PDF ---->
Report Responses
After each time you fill out a log, copy what you wrote into the online form.
Validate Feelings Online Form ---->
Conflict Resolution
Joint Exercises To Do
Download a copy of - Conflict Resolution - read and do the whole exercise together.
Conflict Resolution PDF ---->
Report Responses
After the exercise is completed please put the answers into the online form. You will only need to submit one form for both of you.
Conflict Resolution Online Form ---->
Couples Step 3 Intimacy Work
Read Primary Love Language
Individual Exercise To Do
Read Your Primary Love Language from the book.
​
If I gave you the book, it is yours to keep so please write, highlight, etc in the book.
Individual Exercise To Do
Read Your Spouses Primary Love Language from the book.
As you are reading their love language, pay special attention to anything that is highlighted or noted in that chapter.
Gratitude Journal Part 2
Individual & Joint Exercise To Do
Download Gratitude Journal Part 2
The purpose of this exercise is to:​
-
It opens the door to more heartfelt conversations with your spouse.
-
Take your time when you are writing your gratitude statements. The words you use will be important to your spouse when you read it to them.
Gratitude Journal Part 2 PDF ---->
After both of you finish the Gratitude Journal Part 2, share your answers with each other. Then input your answers into the online form.​
Report Responses
Gratitude Journal Part 2 Online Form ---->
Couples Homework Step 4
We Do Not Try We Train
Couples Step 4
Intimacy Work
Gratitude Journal Part 3
Individual Exercises To Do
Download a copy of the Gratitude Journal Part 3 and follow the exercise instructions.
Gratitude Journal Part 3 PDF --->
Joint Exercises To Do
After both of you finish the Gratitude Journal Part 3 , share your answers with each other.
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Where you surprised by what your spouse wrote?
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How did it make you feel after hearing what your spouse thinks of you?
Gratitude Journal Part 3 Online Form ---->
Healing Past Hurt Work
Righting Wrongs
Individual Exercises To Do
Download a copy of Righting Wrongs from Chapman's book, The 5 Apology Languages and read for our next session.
.
Righting Wrongs PDF --->
Also, send myself an email with one past hurt you have that you would like to see resolved by both of you.
​
​
Topics
vulnerable
understanding
agreement
Couples Homework Step 5
We Do Not Try We Train
What We Learned So Far
Basic Healthy Communication
The minimum elements that HAVE to be include in all conversations:
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Assertive Speaking includes:
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The sharing of BOTH their thoughts and feelings with every topic discussed.
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It has to be communicated clearly and directly.
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When sharing, you do not hold back what you are thinking and feeling.
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Active Listening includes:
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​Not interrupting the speaker, focus on what they are saying.
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Restating what the speaker said to make sure the speaker feels heard and understand.
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Test Your Skills
Can both of you talk about a topic, from small to serious, without getting overly emotional, frustrated, angry, etc..
Fair Fighting Rules
In
Motivation Love
Daily Dialog & Complement
PDF of what we learned in step 1 ---->
Extra Couples Resources
We Do Not Try We Train
Extra Quick Reference Communication Resources
Quick Reference Handouts
How to Compromise by Gottman
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How you start a conversation is how a conversation will typically end.
Before Starting a Conversation by Gottman
- Reference Handout
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How you start a conversation is how a conversation will typically end.
During a Conversation - Self-Soothing by Gottman
- Reference Handout
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When you get emotional while communicating with spouse, this helps clam your emotions.
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Including lowering your anger.
After a Conversation Repair by Gottman
- Reference Handout
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Begin Again: Repair Attempts During and After Arguments.
Helpful Responses You Can Use
by Gottman - Reference Handout
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This handout gives you helpful responses when the word are not coming out as planned.
Extra Communication Resources
Worksheets
Reduce Communication Conflict Exercise V1
By Gottman
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Workout who is doing what in your communication breakdowns.
Reduce Communication Conflict Exercise V2
By Gottman
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Workout who is doing what in your communication breakdowns.
Complete Guides
Working Through Fights You Feel Stuck On by Gottman - Complete Guidebook
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How to get Un-Stuck from a fight or argument.
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How to “process” an argument.
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Working through getting triggered.
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Having problems “Sharing” how you feel?
Claim Your Anger & Emotions by Gottman - Complete Guidebook
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How to "Self-Soothe" - Relax & Reduce Stress.
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The more emotional/angry you are the harder to think clearly it becomes.
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Tend to only hear and see what you want to rather than the whole picture.
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Lose the ability to have Empathy and love.
Prevent Common Communication Problems
by Gottman - Complete Guidebook
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How to stop using communication that prevent problems from getting solved.
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Criticism
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Defensiveness
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Contempt
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Stonewalling
Step 2 Extra
Intimacy Resources
7 Layers To Building A Healthy Connection Gottman
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Seven principles to building a marriage that lasts.
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory
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Find activities that you can enjoy together.